”No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it” – Albert Einstein
Nothing beats a failure like a good-ole-fashioned try right? Wrong. For some of us, this route has been a pain-staking journey that has led us on paths we would rather not remember. As relieving as the inability to not recall our past may sound, we should equally understand we simply cannot forget. Not because we don’t want to, but because we cannot. The intertwining weave of brokenness, pain, hurt, anger, emptiness and even spouts of joy has found its way deep into the pockets of our souls, which won’t allow us to simply erase what was.
This does not necessarily have to equate to a present life of misery, unforgiveness and shame, but it certainly can and has been the story for many, including present company for many years. For many years I was that guy who allowed the past to dictate the future. As much as I tried, I was unable to break the negative cycles that seemed to torment my every move and relationship. I was doing the right things, so I thought.
I went to counseling, prayed to God and spoke to trusted friends, however one important part was missing. That missing piece was my inability to get past myself.
Often times when we blow it in life, we tend to label ourselves as the biggest losers on the face of the earth. This frame of mind can become impenetrable even towards God, the wisest of words and sound counsel. A hardened heart cannot hear.
So there we are, living our lives as if nothing has gone awry. We smile when we’re suppose to, talk about the kids as if they have no problems and as for our relationships – well they couldn’t be better we say. In most cases the ones we are sharing these so-called truths with, reciprocates the effort with the greatest of ease. Sound familiar?
Although we may repeat moments like this effortlessly over and over again, one thing holds true, whether we want to admit it or not. Once we have shared and walked away, something inside of us tends to feel more alone than before we spoken. The reality of our empty words consumes the moment and we become saddened with the idea of being the only one who feels this way, even though we are not alone.
Change never come easy, especially when that change means the life that we know today may never be the same again. Our desire to hold on to what we know often overshadows the ugly reality that we live in and usually feels more comfortable than the gaping hole and dissatisfaction that we are currently living in.
What if it could be different? What if there were a way to stop living behind the veil of perfection and just be you? The you that cry’s when he/she is sad, the you who admits imperfection at the perfect time, the you who stands against injustice, even when it’s unpopular in your community and the you who dares to become vulnerable in the most inauspicious moments. Is it even possible, or is this just a fairytale idea?
Life is not just a about what you make it and who you share it with, but more importantly how you share it. The things we choose to give away from within are the things that will resonate with others and give them life, and in turn give life to us. The type of life that reaches to the depths of our being and speaks in that small still voice saying I hear you, I see you and you matter.
Yes, change is hard work, however it is essential and a part of our own humanness, but somewhere along the journey of life, of becoming better people, we have lost our deep longing to simply be who we are. A people who were created to dwell together and make this world better, more sustainable, safe and a stable place for the next generations that come after us. Tall buildings and technology will inevitably always be a part of this equation, but those things alone will never replace the human element that exist in each of us. The desire to be authentically known and accepted by another. The soul that is saying, “I am here”.
”In order to save myself, I must destroy first the me I was told to be.” – The Dreamer
Yesterday I was thinking of all the ways that God has blessed me. I think of my family, my career and being in great health at 49 years of age. None of this has come easy, but I am grateful for all of it.
However, I was thinking even a little deeper than just those obvious things. I thought about the many gifts and talents I was born with or have learned over the years of my life, that unfortunately still lie dormant. I think of the many reasons (excuses) I have given myself to keep them on the shelf. Of course none of them are really viable, but nonetheless they have created a successful bridge between it and me reaching some of my goals.
I understand that we can be and usually are, our own worst enemy and critic, but for me this goes beyond just coming down on myself. I read somewhere (that I cannot recall at this moment), that many people place their goals on the shelf due to fear. And the weird thing is it is not fear to fail at it, but to actually become successful in it. Imagine that one thing holding people back is the idea that they will become successful and that concept becomes the paralyzing factor.
So one way I have learned to mitigate this is to write things down and make myself accountable to a few trusted people who will question my progress and status of a project. I have given them complete license to do so, and it helps to remind me of the big picture I have created to remain focused and on task.
However, even with my friends licensed to annoy me to no end, it will not be enough to get me through those stale seasons. The dark places where every excuse seems legitimate to me. The times when I am feeling overwhelmed, depressed and tired. Something in me has to break free, almost to a type of righteous indignation level. You know when you begin speaking to yourself like it is time to do it and no excuse works any longer?
It is as if you become angry (with yourself) for allowing yourself to hold your own self back. Yes, you look to no one as the crutch or reason for your current wilderness state. The full responsibility is yours and nothing will hold you back once you arrive at this place. You envision opportunities and finally see it clearly, the game plan required to take you to that next stage in your life journey.
So what is on your list? A mediocre relationship that has lost it’s fervor, a job that is uninspiring, your desire to lose weight and always end up in the same place, being retired and going through the motions of a dull and uneventful life or it just an overall feeling of being stuck?
Well I get it and can totally relate, but me relating to you will not help you. What are you going to do? What do you believe about yourself? What mission does your purpose serve, or better yet who does it serve? This type of life transformation cannot be about getting rich or having the perfect anything. Those “things” become a by-product of the mission.
For example, I been writing a book for several years that is in the beginning editing stages, but if I allow the past to dictate the future, the book will sit in this condition for another two years. I believe it will serve a great purpose for my potential readers, but this idea in itself will not produce anything. Only my actions to follow through will, allowing nothing to distract me.
A break-out moment is the time in our lives when one becomes so focused on what they need to do, that they start with what they have, where they are and trust they will have what they need for every stage of the journey. Excuses are no longer a part of their vernacular. Each struggle becomes an opportunity to grow, learn a new thing and press closer to the ultimate goal.
One cannot be coaxed into the place. It has to be a personal choice, a choice that lies deep within our souls, well beneath the layers of self-doubt, second guessing relatives and friends and the critic within.
Are you ready to experience your breakout moment? I’d love to hear about it. Please share it on the comment section of this blog or email me at email@example.com or theupsideofdown.org
“If you find it necessary to judge me by my past, don’t be surprised when I find it necessary to put you there.” – Unknown
How many times have you said, “I am sorry”, for the same thing more than a few times? You know the feeling, you feel terrible and there seems to not be enough of anything in the world to alleviate the pressure or make it go away, even for a little while. So on you go in life, feeling bad and guilty about past transgressions that once invaded every space of your life, and even though time does not necessarily heal all wounds, you know deep down that it is time to live your life with honor and self-respect.
The type of self-respect that does not disavow the victim(s) or ignores the responsibility you may have as the perpetrator, but the type of self-respect that recognizes once you have served your pennants to society or made amends for your trespasses, it is time to move on with the rest of your life.
Yes, it is simpler spoken than acted upon, but can nonetheless become a life changing moment for the accused. A moment of liberation that can transcend time and become your lifetime mantra for peace, harmony and felicity.
No one is perfect and I am certainly far from it, but I have been through enough drama in my life to realize that at some point we must simply get over it and move on. Again, not to discredit those that we hurt, but to recognize the responsibility we equally have to ourselves to live whole and full lives.
Perhaps there will always be ones in your life that believe you do not deserve to live a full life because of what you have done, but how long will it take for those persons to have a change of heart? Maybe a year from now, perhaps ten years or maybe never. So are you supposed to wait until they are good with you until you begin to live again?
The answer to move on may seem obvious, but many of us remain trapped and haunted by a past that seems to stay attached to our present conditions. Conditions that are continuously affected by yesterday, and a mind that has not learned how to be free.
So as someone who has directly lived this type of life, what can one do to finally break free from the past and begin to live, truly live? Below are a few suggestions a friend once shared with me that I still hold true to today.
1. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. – Simply stated.
2. What others think of you is none of your business. – Stop trying to please other people and wonder what they are thinking of you. You most likely will never be enough in their eyes, so move on.
3. Don’t compare your life to others and don’t judge them. You have no idea what their journey is about, just like they don’t know your’s. – Quit being your own worst enemy.
4. Stop thinking too much, it’s alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it. – When we over think we have a tendency to cycle into a tailspin of doubt and depression, because we seem to always find and focus on the imperfections versus the beauty we hold.
5. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you, so start living your life like that is true. – Begin owning your own life.
6. Smile. You don’t own all the problems in the world. – Give yourself a break. Punishing ourselves will not solve the problems either.
7. Remember that man/woman who gave up? Neither does anyone else. – Never quit, someone is counting on you to make it, so they can hear your story or prevailing.
Take a little time to ponder these points and begin to apply them daily where they fit. I believe you will experience the difference versus doing nothing at all. In addition, remember that none of us are perfect. Some fail miserably many times before they finally arrive at place of maturity, and although there may be a trail of broken hearts in your wake, I pray that you seek/sought counsel and authentically see the poor decisions for what they are and learn from them.
Feeling guilty will never take the pain away, only enhance your own, so make your future bright by allowing your personal pain instigate a new path. A path that declares it will not be recognized for who you were, but who you are becoming. A new creation that is not defined by your past and lives unashamedly.
“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.” – Unknown
I’m not much of a gardener, but I appreciate the multiple colors that flowers can bring to a dull landscape or front yard. Regardless of the arrangement, type of flowers planted or the blend of colors, it is always a sight to see them in full bloom. I suppose it is why so many of us head to our local nurseries every spring to plant flowers that bring life, color and beauty to our otherwise simple yards.
Today I found myself thinking about the blooming of flowers and its close correlation to our lives unfolding in different seasons. As we the gardeners plant our choice of flowers in the dirt, we have expectations that we will see the manifestations of our work at some point in the near future. We will do the work of watering and making sure our flowers have the proper nutrients to grow in their environment, all so we can experience the magic of the colorful blooms of our perfected arrangement.
Like a flower, we often have untapped beauty waiting to be experienced and seen by the those that can appreciate its wonder, amazement and vitality. But what if that flower fails to bloom? We immediately recognize that something is not right and we go into the “fix it” mode, because one, we paid for a flower that is supposed to bloom, and two it falls short of the anticipated array we envisioned from the lawn and garden books we studied.
So how does all this tie in to us? Well if I asked you if you were blooming, what would your answer be? Are you allowing the beauty that lives in you to shine through, or are you hiding it, due to shame, lack of confidence or have you become more comfortable with conveying another version of yourself that has become more your norm and quite honestly, more acceptable to family and friends? As doctor Phil says, “How is that working out for you?
As I have grown in my own journey, I have come to understand that living anything less than my authentic self compares to making a choice to deliberately wear shoes that are one size too small. I will be always uncomfortable, uneasy, irritable, lacking confidence, doubting my decisions, feeling awkward, and ultimately in some sort of pain that seems to linger on. I get it, been there and have lived the life of someone other than myself for many years, and for a diverse set of reasons, but no matter how good it seemed to look or feel on the outside, ultimately I was making the choice to die inside. A slow death that squelched every part of my self-respect and esteem.
There I was smiling on the outside, and crying on the inside. And I knew the reasons, but lacked the courage to do anything about it, until one day I faced my fears after a harsh breakup.
I learned that brokenness is not necessarily a bad thing. Although it feels terrible, it was the process of putting things back together where I learned some of those pieces were no longer relevant in my life or never belonged in the first place. Other parts I discovered were closed off and dormant with a purpose. A purpose that relegated me to silence, doubt and living comfortably in the shadows of life.
So my decision to open those dormant parts were akin to a flower blooming for the first time. My life has never been the same and I continue to press towards higher heights and deeper depths.
How about you? What are you holding back? What are you shielding? Are you letting your flower bloom? The world is awaiting its beauty and aroma.
”You will never be able to escape your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say.” – Paul Coelho
Just last week I witnessed a dad telling his 4-5 year old son to not be a “cry baby” because he wanted his mother. It was in a public place, so I am pretty sure the father was a bit embarrassed, not because he should have been, but because of the valueless stereotype placed on boys, (and fathers) whom one day become men that are taught to believe that emotions, specifically crying is a sign of weakness and should never be displayed.
The term is, “suck it up”, and as a dad I have used it with my own son on many occasions, and have been told the same by my father many times growing up. Initially it seems like a harmless thing, but over time young boys (like me) learned to internalize that idea, and it eventually began to shape how we think about what it meant to be a man, father and husband.
Imagine growing up and being shamed for displaying any type of emotions. Being called a cry baby, punk or sissy. After a while you learn to contain those emotions, just to protect yourself from being shamed any longer, despite the circumstances and the slow burning turmoil begins.
Now I absolutely celebrate the beauty of our differences as men and women. We each play an important role in the family and in some cases the roles are actually reversed, but nonetheless there are a unique set of attributes being disseminated to our offspring through us. Those attributes do not primarily come from what we say, but ultimately how we live and interact with our children.
What is important to take note of is one day we grow up. We become men who raise our own children, men who establish relationships, get married, interact in the work place and in our respective communities. What does this type of man give if he has been told all his life that his authentic self is weak and should be replaced by someone better, someone stronger or someone less sensitive?
He morphs into that acceptable image of a man and screams inside, because we learn it feels better to be accepted for who we are not, than to be ridiculed for who we really are.
Obviously this goes deeper than just being shamed for crying after experiencing a fall, cut or bruise. It is about the impact to our psyche, ideals about who we are and possibly who we will become in the future. If I choose to hide my best self, due to the shame I experienced for a great part of my life what have I become? Sadly I have become a liar of the worst kind. The one that lies to himself.
It took me many years to truly discover who I was. I was ashamed based on what I thought I was supposed to be true about me, but I eventually learned there was more to who I was, and those new discoveries were admirable, holistic, pure and honest. I learned that I was okay in my own skin, no matter what anyone else had to say.
So much of our lives is spent on jockeying for position, affirmation and status. We our taught at those tender young impressionable ages through expression, interactions and experiences, that we really are not good enough as we are. Therefore we spend a lifetime reinventing ourselves. For men, we define ourselves by our possessions, how strong and viral we are and the current status we hold in the workplace and community.
Of course the aforementioned list has it’s place and relevance in our lives, but far too often it becomes the standard we live by name strive for. Therefore we short-circuit the creative genius and beauty that is waiting to manifest itself.
Sadly, for so many that beauty and creative genius will die or remain dormant, trapped inside the walls of shame, disgrace and fear that someone else built for us many years prior. Like a glass ceiling we can see the other side, we just are not sure how to actually get to the other side of it. So we make do with what we know and are comfortable with, however something on the inside will always be shouting to us, “YOU ARE MORE THAN YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!”
Will you listen or simply continue living with the armor on?
“Courage doesn’t always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” – Mary Anne Radmacher
For many years of my life I have made the conscious choice to cower down, give in, and refute my own heart for others. For me that looked like a young man agreeing with something that I did not whole-heartedly believe in, and as a grown man with responsibilities, including a wife and children, it looked pretty much the same, except it has had a much greater impact.
Not only has this decision brought me tremendous grief, it has equally brought me to a place of grave disappointment, utter confusion, along with a heavy heart. A heavy heart that spent many late nights wondering why it could not stand up for itself in times when it meant the most. For years I would repeat the cycle of living in anguish for what I initially believed was for the greater good, only to recognize I had done it again. That is, placed someone or something else before myself. And unfortunately, that greater good was rarely manifested as an actual good for yours truly.
In some ways even the idea of considering ourselves rubs up against the selfish vs. giving strings of our personalities. I know, that was me and typically why I consistently gave into what I ultimately chalked up as just that, me simply being selfish or inconsiderate towards someone or something I should care more about. And so I would have a change of heart or talk myself into becoming congruent with ideas that others had, despite what I felt in my heart, or what I knew was right.
Have you ever been there? Men and women alike can find themselves here, although how it looks may differ. I can only speak for myself and will not attempt to explain how one should feel while in this place. I am only here to say it must become something that we consider if we consistently see ourselves on the short end of stick of life.
Perhaps another commonly used term for this is being a “people-pleaser”. Someone attempting to get along with others at any cost. The truly sad part about this is at it’s core, is we are not getting along with anyone because what we are portraying is a lie to ourselves and to them, so the actual falsehood is in stark contradiction to having peace and living in our truth. Even if our current truth changes next year, (or next month) while it remains our truth we must contend with it, or else it will slowly deteriorate the fabric of our peace of mind.
So what does it look like to live in courage versus comfort? For me it looks like several things.
1. I now take my time to give someone an answer. – In times past I would be quick to agree or disagree before really considering what the issues were. It was a pressure I solely placed on myself, but the sheer burden forced me to prematurely make a decision that was not well thought out, and certainly removed of good intentions and authentic realness.
2. I say “no” if I mean no. – In my line of business there is a statement we use that says, “ If you can’t say no, what does your yes really mean”. Think about that. For a great part of my life, I said yes just to go along with the flow of others. It brought me angst and restlessness, but it was how I chose to live, until I begin to see the pain I was inflicting upon myself.
3. I brought into equilibrium, the “the taking it personal button”. – For years my emotions were worn on my sleeves, and I projected that frame of mind on others, so since any disagreement with me hurt my feelings, I assumed it hurt others as well. Once I begin to understand that having a diversity of thought was not necessarily a bad thing or did not have to equate to anything personal, I was able to release myself from the emotional disarray that usually accompanied my thought process, and took me down a paralyzing rabbit hole I had a difficult time finding my way out of.
4. I am thoughtful and I value my own ideas. – It took me a considerable amount of time to understand this one, but one day I realized that not only am I okay in my current state, I am great. I have always been a thoughtful person and I take pride in being a deep thinker and a deep feeler, therefore I know when I give an opinion (whether it is popular, rejected or accepted) it comes from a meaningful place and is worthy of mentioning. So today that is what I do. I share it with joy and no longer worry about where it falls, how it is received or resonates with others. It is enough all by itself, as I am.
So at the end of the day, my comfort was not comfort at all. Nor was my so-called courage. It was quite the contrary and only served to perpetuate my internal struggle of living in fear. Most guys will never admit this, but we too consider what others think of us and how we are perceived. We tend to dress it up differently and use widely acceptable tactics to gloss over hard facts that are undeniable.
My choice today is to live in my truth. My choice today is to live with authentic courage, even if that means I must often challenge my own way of thinking and ultimately the way I live my life.
“Before the truth can set you free you need to recognize which lie is holding you hostage.” – Unknown
This morning a dear friend of mind was checking in on me to see how I was doing? She reminded me that my second marriage happened during this time of year and was wondering if I was okay. After twenty years of friendship, you tend to know someone pretty well and share a common history in many areas of your lives. I am forever grateful for her, because she has helped me through much travail during some of the hardest moments I have experienced. However I can say without any anxiety, unease or ill-feelings towards my second ex-wife, I am truly good in spirit, body, mind and soul.
I can also say that I honestly had no recollection that today (or a date near this day) was that moment I stood at the altar on such a momentous occasion. I am not sure if one ever places a day like that completely out of their minds. I mean I believe a part of the memory is healthy to reflect on for continued growth and positive reflections, but when it consumes you with guilt or regret, this can be an indication you are still holding on to unresolved feelings.
So my dear friend helped me to recognize that I have indeed moved on with my life. Six years ago I would have never thought that I could get over something so devastating. It was extremely difficult to overcome, especially when I was the primary instigator of our demise. Today was like a test (and I have had many) to see where my heart was. I mean it is easy to proclaim with words where we are, even when the heart does not necessarily align with the words protruding from our mouths, but when we are put to the test in ways that only life can bring, there is no opportunity to get ready. You are, or you are not.
Today in this moment for this particular situation, I was ready. Thank God I was ready! Honestly, for me it means so much more than just being ready, but it means the work that I have committed myself to, the endless counseling sessions and the many nights of crying out to God are paying off. Not that I have arrived, but I can literally measure the progress by how I respond to unplanned interactions.
You see, it is not enough to suppress bad feelings and memories, only to see them return years or decades later unresolved with the same intensity of pain and anguish. I promised to myself that I would not become that guy. One full of bitter, disdain, hate and anger. I wanted to be free and continue being the hopeless romantic that I am. Thankfully I am, but it has come with a cost. A cost of looking within myself and owning what was mine to own.
This has been a slow journey filled with obstacles and countless hours of finally being true to myself about who I was, versus who I wanted to become. You know that place in life where you can fake it with most of the world and they buy into it fairly easily, primarily because they don’t really care one way or the other? And quite honestly neither did I? However when the struggle becomes more about our authentic growth and becoming entirely whole, this will cause one to pause on the things that matter the most.
And what matters the most to me is truth to myself. I was quite good at lying to myself in times past. I wanted to believe something about me that simply was non-existent. It took a divorce to bring that deep embedded lie to a head, but it was not enough to remain there in a state of shock. I had to do something if I wanted to be a better man. No more blaming others, no more making excuses and no more looking for an easy way out.
It was finally time to pull the layers of my own issues back. Get somewhere quiet (literally and figuratively) and learn who I was and why. As they say, “the struggle was real”, but also one of the best things I could have ever done to invest in myself.
So how are you investing in yourself? Are you still being haunted by your past? What are you doing about it? If all you’re doing is dwelling on it and feeling bad, that is not enough to move forward. It is time to put in some work! No more lying to yourself and living a double-minded life.
At the end of the day, we all fall short and make poor choices at times. The great thing is we don’t have to necessarily be defined by them, unless we do nothing. I am more than my divorces, my short-comings and multiple failures. I am more than the many botched decisions I have made over the years. Today I am a man who is growing and has taken responsibility for his actions. I live in my truth, I live in peace and no one can alter that. No one, but me.
“Some people are so broken, they get mad at you for being whole” – Unknown
How many things can you look back on in your life and get angry or sad? You know, the missed opportunities and poor decisions that took you way off the mark, or perhaps it was indecisiveness or procrastination that seemingly held you hostage from your ideal paths and goals.
To be more specific, how about a relationship that went sour after years of your time, investment and commitment, only to see your life partner walk away. Or perhaps you were the one to leave the relationship to try to salvage any dignity that remained in you, after realizing you had been betrayed by the one who claimed to love you with all their heart and soul. Or like the old cliché, you grew a part and found yourself more empty being together than you did alone.
There is no question that we can all fill in the blanks with a laundry list of disappointments that have filled our lives over the years. Perhaps some were avoidable, while others required a bit more maturity that you simply did not have at your disposal at the time. So you made your choices with what you knew and understood, and whether wrong, right or indifferent those decisions currently shape the world you live in today.
Seeing that I can relate to all the above and more, I have learned it is what we do during calamity that defines us, and how we respond cannot be mistaken and is seldom debatable. This defining moment reaches to the fabric of our being and is a great opportunity to expose our true hearts, intentions and motivations. Very rarely is it a feel good session for the one being exposed, even if only to one’s self.
So what do you find ourselves doing after the dust has settled, your separate lives have went on, and the emotional distress of the moment has long faded away? Have you become bitter, distrustful and suspicious of all those that merely represent the one(s) who hurt you, or are you learning to grow, embrace truth and live a new and better life?
I wish it were as simple as typing these words down, but unfortunately it is much more difficult and complex than that. And in many instances it requires support from outside sources, uncomfortable transparency and a decision to live a different kind of life. One that allows time for introspection, reflection, meditation, submission, prayer and self-analysis. All things that cause us to slow down, to allow us at some point to go fast, however with much more wisdom, empathy and integrity.
It is indeed the journey of life, for those that choose to go down that path. A journey that will not only enrich our own lives, but the lives we touch as well. The hardships of our past can become lessons we share with others that choose to listen. Our growth will teach us to no longer exude energy on what we cannot change, or the people who remain angry and point fingers at us. Our focus is only on what lies before us. Our past pains will remind us of what can potentially happen, however our new identity sees past the negative images and helps us to navigate towards what is better and full of life.
So if you are still looking back on your life and becoming disheartened when you do, don’t you think it is time to embrace a new way? Life is truly too short to remain mad, hurt and perpetually disappointed, however it is never too late to make a new declaration. A declaration that opens the door to peace, hope and joy.
“Sometimes you have to know someone really well to realize you’re really strangers.” – Mary Tyler Moore
As a young adult my mentor once told me that I am a deep thinker and a deep feeler. For a long time I had no idea what that really meant, but I finally figured it out about 10-15 years ago. I experienced a few life struggles and have had endless conversations with myself before I truly discovered the meaning and the value of what it meant to be wired this way.
For me it was accepting the fact that I rarely fit into a mold of what a regular guy does, what a regular guy thinks or what even a regular guy feels at times. Don’t get me wrong, I am a man and embody the full characteristics of a regular guy, but in many cases my opinions, thoughts and ideas differ from most men. I am neither better or less than any other guy, but I am me, Henry.
One area this has impacted my life more than anywhere else is in my relationships, both male in bonding and female intimacy. I have always longed to know my friends in a deep and meaningful way. It was really like a prerequisite to being my real friend, or you simply fell into the acquaintance category, which was easy to do.
The most influential component to this type of relationship is the ability and the choice to become vulnerable to another. Not just anyone, but to a specific person or select group of people. It is making the choice to live outside the shadows of comfort and ambiguity, and become authentically known by someone. Known in a way that reveals your true identity, embarrassing flaws and imperfect beauty.
To discover and experience such a relationship is very rare and many will never find it, not because it was not available to them, but because it is much simpler to remain in the shadows of life, than to give the pieces of us that reveal our true character, motivations and layers of who we really are.
It has been imbedded in us since we were kids. That concept to suck it up, pretend it doesn’t hurt, (when it absolutely does) smile even when you feel bad and never let them see you sweat. It all sounds good and seems like a smart recipe to becoming a strong kid/adult. But is it really? Is the end product really stronger, better and more in touch with their true identity or are they being taught to become great at pretending, faking and that lying to themselves is okay?
I am not here to answer that question for you or the world, but I can speak for myself and those I have relationships with. At the end of the day, I just want to know you and I want you to know me. The real me, the strong me, the afraid me, the confident and fragile me, the indecisive me, the smart me, the don’t have it all together yet me, the broken and getting back on my feet me. Just me and my imperfect beauty and strength. Can you handle that?
Many cannot and will abandon you at first indication of true reality setting in, but that’s okay because they are not worthy of who you really are. They will not be able to grasp it or understand how to engage in this type of relationship, so they will naturally find an exit for themselves. Allow them to go.
I have learned that the first person we lie to is ourselves, so until we can begin to live our truth to ourselves first, we will continue to live in the shadows of mystery, illusions and ultimately darkness. The by-product seems to always be disappointment, brokenness and a sense of being incomplete. Who wants to keep living this way, even if it causes you to feel okay for a season?
That season will one day come to an end and what will you have left to claim? The lie? I have been there, done that and understand it is no longer the life for me.
As a deep thinker and a deep feeler, I will always ask why. It is in my DNA. I will always probe and never settle for the easy way out. I will deeply feel my questions and responses, which will motivate me understand better and with more clarity. I will not be quick to judge, but I demand truth, not half lies. When you give me truth I give you me, when you offer me lies our relationship is no longer credible, and will eventually die. Our lives are too short for anything less, because I just want to know you, nothing more and nothing less and it takes a lifetime to attain.
“The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength in distress, and grows brave by reflection.” – Thomas Paine
Today I took a walk. Not just any walk, but a walk to clarify my thoughts, reconnect with nature, listen to the trees, adore the beauty that God created and breathe some fresh air.
I am not quite sure why turmoil is the thing that gets us to slow down and take note on what is really going on in our lives, but I am grateful for the moments and I have learned to appreciate the times when I am able to pull myself away from my daily routine and reflect nonetheless.
In these times I find myself becoming hypersensitive to not only what is currently happening, but also very reflective on the many unresolved situations that I have undergone. Yet at the same time, I recognize what I am specifically dealing with and nature has a way of soothing my mind, reminding me of true beauty, and the (often) many unresolved issues I am facing tend to resolve themselves in the wind, literally.
Today I took a walk. It was quite warm, so I took water, not only for my body, but for my soul. It was time to replenish my soul. I spied tree stumps that I have walked by countless times, but really saw for the very first time today. Their story spoke to me. Why were they cut down, yet still standing decades later? Will I still be standing in the next decade, and how will my story shape me? Or how will I shape my story? How will the unknowns enter my life and affect how I think, live and love? What will my testament be?
I do not clearly know the answers, but as I walked along the trails in the warm sun, I thought, (sometimes out loud) “I am still an unfinished work. A creation that God has destined and purposed for great things that are yet to be manifested.”
However, sometimes we forget, we lose sight and become easily frustrated with the pangs of life. You know, those situations (and people) that tend to get under our skin. Those things that easily beset us. Those things that come to try us, test us and confirm that we really believe what we verbally claim to be.
Today I took a walk. I was out for more than two hours, but the thoughts that encapsulated my mind were timeless. My childhood and adulthood stood front and center almost simultaneously. I recalled the scent of my room as a boy, as I listened to my mother speak lessons of life to me. Lessons that I desperately needed today. I thought about the landscape I was passing on my trail. It is the same, but different if you choose to look closely.
Some parts have changed, but the overall scene is the same. Some trees have grown taller, some have fallen to the ground. The grass is brown and then green, as life comes and goes. I am not the same man I use to be, know matter what others may claim. My life is ever-changing and God still has His hands on me. Guiding me in truth and purpose.
Today I took a walk. I started with many questions and returned with the answers I needed. My life is ever-changing with moments that I grasp and some I cannot. However somehow I am okay. Well more than okay. I know what I need to know, today. Tomorrow is another day, another time with its own portion of grace that I will receive then.
I will not be anxious. I will rest in what is now, even if “now” is far from what I desire. The grass grows, dies and then grows again. I am like the grass that I see on the trail. My life is not over. I have seeds still being planted by dead grass. I am he that continues. Like you, like us.
Today I took a walk. It was life changing. I spoke to my myself and listened to the eucalyptus trees speak in the wind. They indeed had a message for me. Peace, was the message and I received it. Day in and day out they stand, established by God. I can be like that tree that sets by streams of living water. I can be replenished when it is time. I just need to understand how, and equally understand it may look different then my neighbor.
Every trail has its own beauty and its own truth (if you will). Each are the same , but different. I can always learn something new if I choose to look closely.
Today I took a walk. I learned something new, and it was more about me than the trees and wonderful landscape, but I was grateful because this is the story that God chose to share with me exclusively. And He knew that I would be listening.