“You’re only as sick as your secrets.” – Brene Brown PhD.
So many stories I have shared about my life. So many struggles, some happy endings, and with many lessons learned and applied. I have been criticized, blamed and talked about behind my back. In some cases I deserved it and even earned the various titles given to me, but despite the not so fond history, at some point in my life I knew I had to carry on and press ahead to the future, without ever looking back.
At minimum I owed this to myself. Not to prove something to those that gave up on me, but to finally step into the place where I believed in myself enough to know that I deserved better. Better than what I settled for in the past, better than what I thought I knew before and better than how I once defined what was good for me.
You see, I have always been a soft-spoken person that at times allowed life issues to overrun me. It was like I was on a roller coaster ride, hanging on for dear life and out of control. I rarely spoke up for myself and usually allowed stuff to just happen to me. I cannot blame anyone for this, but it certainly came with a cost.
The biggest cost was my peace of mind being disturbed, because on the inside I knew that each decision I allowed to just happen to me was wrong and rarely resonated with who I truly was. Unfortunately, during that season of my life that feeling/truth was not enough to motivate me to do something different. I just went along with whatever it was and simply ignored the inner conflict within my soul and mind. It was a time of great inner turmoil, which led to many more poor decisions.
So after suffering years of self-inflicted pain the light bulb finally came on. I was able to connect the dots, identify the source of my triggers and how to overcome them. I had to speak up for myself and recognize why I had not in the past.
It will never be enough to simply know why or why not, we act or respond in a certain way. We must always choose to dig deeper and understand in order to learn and most importantly, to not repeat the past.
Sometimes it will be pain, sometimes it will be another person’s ridicule or a bad situation that inspires you, but however you come to a place of growth and change hopefully the core point will be about you rising above the self-doubt and unbelief in yourself that you carried as I did for so long.
We do not usually do better until we know better and unless we believe we are better, life will remain the same for us. As for me I am better than my past, no matter what anyone else says. My life will prove that and will forever remain my voice and testimony of that fact.