“Don’t be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams.” – Unknown
Anything worthy of experiencing or having in life usually takes time. In most cases that time will fall under the category of what we know as a journey. You know that place in between the beginning and the final destination? That is where the magic happens, real life unfolds and often where we discover who we really are, or desire to become.
Sometimes what we discover is not what we initially sought out, but once the dust settles, if we can muster the courage to continue on and press through the hardship of raw facts and painfully transparent friends and family that (if we were lucky) ever so delicately placed the ugly pictures of who we are and who we were on a canvas like a meticulous artist, on the other side can be an amazing opportunity of new beginnings.
As painful as it can be to revisit the past, it is where we find many of the answers that we seek, whether consciously or subconsciously. I say this because most of us do not consider ourselves as super heroes, where we knowingly place ourselves in inherent danger to seek the truth out no matter what the consequences. No, we are typically cowards and afraid of what we will find, so it is usually safer to just let things be as they are. Dull, but not in a boring kind of sense, more like a in a un-sharpened knife kind of a sense, that pierces through our skin. After all, it is the path of least resistance, which makes it safer, easier and requires less effort, however this path also leaves us empty, broken and often confused because we now realize that there is more to what we thought we knew, and left unanswered this will drive us crazy or worse, drive us to continually repeat the past like a highly executed math problem.
As I mentioned before, nothing worthy comes easy. For me love has been my mission. Not that I have always went about finding it in the best way. Like I do not advise three marriages and several preceding broken relationships to get there, but I will say true love is worth the scars and pain.
My journey has not been for the faint of heart. I had to finally come to a place where I acknowledged my part in the demise of several broken relationships. It was not them, it was a me. My inability to see, own and understand my specific responsibility was my failure, and not until I decided to journey within was I able to get it. Like really get it!
So of course this does not make everything perfect, but It has helped me make better decisions, focus my energy in the appropriate areas, (especially during a disagreement) become more self-aware of what I am feeling in the moment and to be a better listener. All things that were once far removed.
My attempt to find love again was nothing more than my innate existence of being a hopeless romantic. I would never stop pursuing it, however my natural desire to no longer experience deep pain on a continuum motivated me to travel on this journey with more wisdom (from outside sources) along with an open mind.
My only option was to become bitter and old with a mouthful of disdain from the mere mention of “true love”. This was not going to be my story, so I journeyed on and on and on…
On the outside it looked foolish I am sure to many, but again it was a worthy cause to me. My past did not necessarily have to dictate my future, and chance had nothing to do with it. It was purpose and a commitment to myself for a change.
My journey back to love actually had nothing to do with anyone, but myself. It was a choice to learn from my past, understand it in a more profound and dynamic way, which is a nice way to say I needed to do some work (with a counselor), introspection (with a plan to action) and actual application of what I learned along the way.
I have not arrived yet, but I am on my way to a life of authentic truth-telling and truth living. No more shadows, lies or niceties that attempt to keep peace at all cost. I am me. That is what I know, live and declare beyond with just words.