“You are your own soulmate” – rupi kaur
After three marriages you would think one becomes an expert in relationships or perhaps the description should be psycho, because he/she has not yet fully grasps the lessons required for success, or the endless failures simply drives one mad, or maybe its a combination of the these and more, because I am certainly still learning, pressing through challenges, a touched mad, (not in an angry sense) and constantly discovering new things about myself in the area of love, relationships and marriage. And perhaps I am a bit crazy as well, because I still remain a hopeless romantic, despite all the struggles and failures.
In spite of it all, one thing I know for sure is myself, and I am getting better at knowing and loving me better everyday. The constant denominator in each of my failed relationships was me, and until we recognize that truth, we are destined for continued failure and experiencing heartache.
Like in any journey, there are moments when we reach hilltops that overlook the horizons of our failed past, but we equally must remember they are just hilltops and not the peaks of tall mountains that tell the entire story. Primarily because our story will continue to evolve as we grow, strive to improve and remain open to new ventures, as long as we stay open to that idea.
For a long time I blamed so many “others” for where I was, what I did and who I was. It was certainly the path of least resistance, at least for me during that time. Why not blame an ex wife, a parent, or someone else who played a significant part in my upbringing and life conditions? Makes sense right? Of course it does. It just doesn’t work, and usually leads to more disappointment.
However after enduring the setbacks of broken relationships, lost friendships and in some cases even the loss of respect from others, I learned to love myself. I learned to look in the mirror and face who I was at that time and embrace him. Even after my life was shattered emotionally, I learned to retrieve each broken piece and create a new ensemble. An ensemble that resembled who I use to be, but was far from him.
That new me was a stronger man, filled with gratitude for each new day, a love that looked past the temporary blemishes that soon fade away, and most importantly a heart that sought to forgive, embrace truth versus facts, and learned to “wait for it” instead of reacting quickly.
With every poor decision came an opportunity, yet in the midst of those poor decisions was misery and a lack of vision, so what I see today was impossible to recognize then. The revelation and choice to love myself encouraged me to not only see myself in the raw, but to actually begin to appreciate the flaws and dysfunctional parts the made me who I was.
As Maya Angelou said, “when you know better, you do better”, and although there are things I will never be able to take back or undo, I have released them and forgiven myself. My only judge is God, and that is enough for me. After my attempts to apologize and make things right, either fail to work or simply aren’t enough to sustain a relationship, I say to myself, “oh well”. I am enough for me alone for now, and forever if that’s the case.
To truly live and love with fervor and passion unapologetically we must first love ourselves the same. Without excuses or explanations for who we are. This is the love I know for sure.