“It’s okay to live a life others don’t understand” – Unknown
After almost fifty years of living, I can say that I am finally starting to connect the dots on this thing called life. The ups and downs, the disappointments, the failures, the successes, the hope and dreams fulfilled, and those that fell by the wayside. It all comes together at some point and begins to make sense, at least to those that attempt to open their hearts and minds to understanding it, because inevitably there is always one common factor in the midst of our struggles, tribulations, moments of disappointments and hopes realized, and that is you and me.
No matter who we have to blame for our shortcomings, or who we can attach some responsibility to for our current life conditions, at some point we have to make a decision. A decision to either take a stand for what we believe in or decide to go along with what has been presented to us. The choices are obviously not simple ones, hence the struggle, however they are incredibly important for what happens next in our lives, so it behooves to gain the essential wisdom and knowledge to correct or redirect the road we currently find ourselves on.
For some, like myself, this road has become a journey. A journey comprised of unforeseen outcomes, including failed relationships, loss and severed friendships, unexplained sickness of loved ones, all intertwined with feelings of denial, bouts of depression, deep seated anger and paralyzing fear.
At its peak, it felt like a stampede coming towards me, and all I could do is run for cover to prevent some of the damage. Although getting hurt was not preventable. There was no preparation, warning or heads up for these life events typically, and if there were I was too naive, stubborn or ignorant to recognize the signs and respond appropriately during the time.
So unfortunately a part of me had to suffer, and learn to live through and in the pain. The type of pain that not only keeps you awake at night, but numb throughout the day. Strangely enough that pain also has a way of directing us to a place where only pain can. A quiet place that is solemnly eerie, yet simultaneously peaceful. A place where you are compelled to acknowledge where you really are, alone. No one else is allowed to come along for the ride. Comforters and well-wishers will only dilute the process and prevent the real transformation from occurring.
The real work when acknowledged, first reveals truth, then offers a path (not of least resistance, and best taken with support) to a rebirthing of ourselves. The journey is arduous and not for the faint of heart, however a commitment to this process is not only life changing, but rewarding in ways that words cannot explain.
Life will begin to make more sense and those that were once my enemies are no longer, and perhaps they aren’t my best friends either, but they no longer have the capacity to hold me captive in my thoughts and daily walk.
I suppose this is one the reasons they say freedom ain’t free, for if I am truly to be free of bondage and those that once had me entangled in their mires, it will cost me. And the way I once lived my life may indeed have to die.